Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
