Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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