I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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