the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
