He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
