I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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