I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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