I just made out with a guy for $7.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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