You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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