arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My ATM looks so different sober.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
