Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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