your room smells of hookers.
And success
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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