I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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