I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
