Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
