why didn't you poke me back
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
