dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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