Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
