She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
