id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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