god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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