I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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