she woke up with a sticky ear
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
