I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I need a beard to bite.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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