hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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