my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
