My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
