i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
