Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
