Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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