I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
