My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
