in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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