whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
