Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
