They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Who died my cat blue again?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
