Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
