you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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