My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
