I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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