You can't special order awesome
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
