My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
