i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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