dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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