My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
