Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
