so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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