Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
