I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
