Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
