just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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