drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
