piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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