I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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