Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
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