Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
